The Fierce Diva Guide to Life

Get it Done, Diva!

I had grand visions for the night. 

I would fold and put away the clean laundry that had been sitting in a basket for a better part of the week, I would catch up on reading blog posts, and work on my book outline.  I would shampoo my carpets and clean the bathtub that had been taken over by soap scum.  I would take care of the bills and return every unreturned email sitting in my inbox, some of which dated back to August. 

C. was taking my kids for the night, all three, a gesture which was both brave and generous. When I called her a few weeks back, bitching about not having a minute to get things done, she understood, and offered the sleepover as a solution.

I don’t know about you, but I have lists, not one, but many. There is my weekly calendar and my daily to do list and the things I want to get to in the next month and other things I want to get to in the next year.  There are my lists that are organized by subject, such as shopping lists and lists of potential blog posts, a to-do list to get me ready for my business trip next weekend.

Here are what my lists look like:  

I sometimes interrupt a meditation to throw something on a list, even though that kind of defeats the purpose of meditation. Yet I’m afraid I’ll forget what needed to be done before I finish…and that the world will fall apart because of it.  

I have lists in the car and lists on the kitchen counter and lists by my laptop.

Not only do I have lists, but I like to get things done. 

Ok, let’s be honest.

I just plain get off on getting things done.

I thrive on the sense of accomplishment I get when I can strike things off a list.

Not to mention, there is a sense of security in “getting things done,” which, of course, my root chakra greatly appreciates.

When I get home from C.’s, I hop on the computer.  My goal for the next few hours is to write my blog posts for the week, edit articles for my freelance job, and clean.  

I sat at my laptop, with the time to get things done that I had been coveting, and all I could do was stare at the screen in a state of semi-consciousness.

The prior week was a bear. Due to parent/teacher conferences, we were “off schedule.”  I threw my kids at babysitters to get through three early dismissals, and more babysitters to get to their conferences, and yet another babysitter to get to a 7 a.m. breakfast meeting for work. One night, sans sitter, I threw the kids in the back of the yoga studio to teach a Fight Club class, after the dude’s soccer game and school and their having to be at a sitter at 7 that morning.

I try to cough out two blog posts, but my writing is off. It’s not sincere.  And if it’s not sincere, I can’t post it, because that totally defeats the purpose of my blog. 

It’s not sincere, because I’m tired, and what I really need to do instead of writing blog posts and editing magazines and shampooing carpets and folding laundry is sleep – because I have been lacking in that department for quite a while.

I shut off my computer and go upstairs to bed.

Part of my journey about being less rigid is to accept the things that don’t get done and revise these lists.  Because given my situation as a single mom, working 3 part time jobs to keep us going, I need to drill down to the essentials.

One of my favorite newly discovered bloggers, Justine at A Half Baked Life (have you met her? She is just fabulous!)  left me a comment last week about balance and how our balance will constantly shift because life is constantly shifting. 

The balance will never be perfect.

I may never get to the bottom of my lists.  

Which leads to my contemplation for the week:

What are my essentials and what are the non-essentials?

What can I move from the “essential” column to the “non-essential” column without feeling like my world will fall apart?

And even more importantly:

Can I get over feeling like the world will fall apart if I don’t clean my carpets?

You?

Namaste Divas! 

 

Got Thoughts?

You hate your job.  Or your boss.  Or your spouse.  Or your best friend.

You live in fear of financial insecurity, or perhaps rejection.  Maybe you think that everyone is judging you.

You want to go back to school or learn accounting, computers, how to knit, or do yoga, but you come up with excuses not to try and then you beat yourself up for not trying.

You want to lose ten pounds but you can’t stop eating.  You blame it on stress.

Every action or non-action we take is fueled by a thought.  That thought leads to a behavior. Many of us never sit still long enough to get to know our thoughts and to understand how our thoughts affect our relationships, our work, our ability or inability to set and reach our goals, and everything else in our lives.  

• You have complete control over your thoughts.
• Your thoughts create your reality.
• You can change your thoughts at any time.
• Your thoughts lead to your feelings, so if you change your thoughts, your feelings shift accordingly. 

If you’re worried, sad, anxious, angry, pissed off, jealous, insecure, or regretful, change your thoughts and those negative feelings will go away.

How do we change our thoughts?

We meditate.

It’s not an overnight process.  It takes time, but mediation can lead you to see life and your circumstances more objectively, and when we have more objectivity, we learn how to develop appropriate responses versus irrational reactions to life circumstances.

Mediation will not remove your problems or bring you instantaneous happiness, but it will teach you how to put problems in perspective.  It will allow you to get out of that continuous thought spiral in your head and will lead to new and more open possibilities.  

People shy away from meditation because:

• They think it’s too complicated.
• They don’t trust it because it’s not a process they can “see.”
• The results cannot be easily measured.

Instead of playing skeptic, try it for a month.  A month, at five minutes a day is a little over two and a half hours to give to something that may very well change your life. Because once you can control your thoughts, you can control your destiny.   

There have been volumes written on meditation, but let’s not overcomplicate the process.

Below is a simple tutorial:

• Find a five minute block of time when your surroundings are quiet. First thing in the morning or last thing at night works best for most people.
• Sit upright in a chair, or on a pillow on the floor with your legs in a criss-cross position.  Check your posture but it’s more important to sit comfortably that to sit with a perfectly straight spine.
• Rest the palms of the hands or the backs of the hands comfortably on your knees or thighs.
• Close your eyes.  There are two different schools of thoughts on the eyes.  I close mine.  Feel free to keep yours open if this works better for you.  If you keep them open, focus on a fixed point.  
• Begin to let go of your thoughts.  If you are new to meditation, this may seem difficult at first, but keep trying.  Try to let the thoughts slip out of your mind.  You can even promise yourself that your thoughts will be there for you once you get through the mediation.
• For any thoughts that persist, try to “watch” them versus become involved with them.  Become an observer of your thoughts as if you are a neutral third party.  
• As your thoughts drop away, pay attention to your breath. Do not change your breathing pattern in any way,  simply tune into it.  Listen to the sound of your inhalation and exhalation.  Stay with your breath.  As thoughts reappear, try to let them go or detach from them.
• Continue this exercise for five minutes. Over time, you can work up to a longer meditation period, such as ten or twenty minutes, but five is a good place to start, since quite often, beginners feel uncomfortable sitting still for longer periods of time.
• At first, you may spend the greater part of your five minutes trying to quiet the thoughts.  Over time, you will be able to let go of your thoughts more quickly. 

In time, you will find you have the ability to step back from day to day situations and react less quickly or in some cases, irrationally.  You may find yourself asking questions such as, “Why do I react so severely to that person or in these types of situations,” which may lead to the discovery of a fear or core belief that you did not realize you had. 

Perhaps you will begin to see how this core belief has dictated many of the decisions you have made over a lifetime.   In past posts, I have discussed how for years, I made major life decisions based on my severe fear of financial insecurity, which I only began to realize through my meditation practice.  Before meditation, I would justify and make excuses for my decisions, but meditation let me cut right to the fear.  Dealing with the fear itself has enabled me to gain more control over my decisions.

As we clean up the clutter in our minds, we create room for new possibilities, new ways of looking at old situations, new perspectives on a job or relationships. 

Throughout the month, I will be giving additional information on how to build a meditation practice. 

Our minds are the most important part of our house that needs cleaning.  For, once we see clearly, anything is possible.

Namaste, Divas!

© 2012 Ilene Evans 

 

 

Setting Goals: The Power of "Why"

Last week, I used the principles of fiction writing as an analogy for creating well focused goals. I invited you to explore the idea of creating one primary goal for you "story" and formulating secondary goals that support your "plot line." This week, I introduce another element of fiction writing to help you examine your goals:  Outer motivation versus inner motivation.

If you examine a work of fiction closely, you will see that most main characters have a tangible, specific goal they want to accomplish by the end of the story.  For instance, in the original "Rocky" movie, Rocky wants to go all 15 rounds with Apollo Creed.  This goal is Rocky’s outer motivation. 

In one scene in the movie, Rocky reveals to Adrian why this goal is important to him.  He's tired of people thinking he's a bum. Essentially, going 15 rounds with Apollo is a chance for Rocky to redeem himself.  This is Rocky’s inner motivation, the emotional goal of the story.  It explains why the goal is important to him. This inner motivation is what gives meaning to Rocky’s goal.

With these principles in mind, I realized that it might be worth checking out the inner motivations of my weekly chase goals and examining if and why they are meaningful to me. 

Are they meaningful to my well-being?

Or are they meaningful to my ego?

If they are meaningful to my ego, am I attached to them in an unhealthy way?  

Let’s examine some of the goals I have set during the weekly chase and break them down.

1)      Spend more time with my kids:  This is ego driven, motivated by guilt, since I did not think I was spending enough “quality time” with my children.  Here’s the deal on goals driven by guilt.  They may work in the short term but they don’t work in the long term.  We all want to be good parents, but was this goal really about my kids?  No.  It was to stave off my sense of guilt. 

 I did wind up tweaking the above goal to the following:

2)      Reserve an hour a day for myself.  This was the “right” goal, since by allowing myself to put my own needs first, I felt “free” for the rest of the day to be present for my kids.  The consequences of this goal :  I may be cranky if I am forced to go a few days without my “hour,”  but I’ll survive.  In the big picture, it’s important to maintain this goal for the sake of balance, since all of us mamas need some time to ourselves.

3)      Sleep:  Taking care of our basic needs is paramount to living the life we love.  When I am well rested, I am healthier, more level headed, and more energetic.   The consequences for lack of sleep are illness, irritability, and lowered productivity.  Therefore, this goal is meaningful to my well-being.

4)      Run my fastest mile:  This was ego driven.  Ego driven goals are not “bad things,” so long as we don’t get overly attached to them.  The consequences for me if I don’t reach this goal are inconsequential.    

5)      Meditate:   For my life to work seamlessly, I need to stay consistent to my meditation practice.  I need time in the morning to clear my thoughts and to remind myself that I have control over them.  Simply stated, I cannot exist sanely in this world without meditating.  My well-being depends on this goal!   

If I had to pick and choose goals this week, the choices are clear.  I need to meditate and I need to sleep. After that, all else will fall into place.

Ego goals are fine, so long as we are not clinging to those goals so tightly that our hands shake from the grip. If you feel like you are in an epic battle to get "it" accomplished, “battle” being the operative word, then maybe it’s time to ask yourself "Why is this so important to me?"  “Is it meaningful to my well-being?”  “Can I live without it?”  “If not, why?”

Deciding we must accomplish something at all costs makes for an exciting movie plot, but it does not make for a manageable life.

Believe in yourself.   Aim high.  Know when to let go.

Namaste, Divas!

©2012 Ilene Evans

 

 

Life Is Your Story: Choose Plot Points Wisely

Several years ago, I had dabbled in writing fiction.  During this period of time, I also began to teach fiction writing classes at our local community college as part of their summer learning series.   

 Next week, I return to campus to participate in the 2012 summer program, so I have dusted off my notes to review the materials I use with my students. While going through my lectures last week, I was reminded of the importance of a writer setting goals for the main character, and to pay just as much attention to how the main character goes about attaining his goals as he does to choosing an appropriate goal for this story.  

Whenever you write a piece of fiction, you must narrow your focus to one character trying to attain one goal. Essentially, this is what your story is about. It's critical that you maintain this "one main character/one goal" focus, otherwise, your storyline will get too scattered and lose its form, and essentially weaken your plot line. Sure, you can have subplots which address additional goals, but their objectives must be supportive of the primary goal of the story.

It occurred to me as I prepared to teach that I could apply this "golden rule" of fiction to my weekly chase goals.   I would first need to figure out what my story is about.  Once I do this, I need to limit myself to one primary goal for the week and choose other goals that would compliment the primary one. Otherwise, I will get scattered and wind up going in too many directions at once, just like that main character inside the story with the weak plot line.   

In the big picture, I know what my story is about.  Therefore, I know my primary goal of this week and every week:

Some ways that I can support this goal in the upcoming week:

-Maintain mindfulness through meditation and practicing yoga.

-Run and continue my 13.1 training.

-Eat clean- the transition back to vegan went pretty smoothly and I love the way a vegan diet makes me feel.

-Do my plank a day and continue leading the challenge among my friends. I love the camaraderie we have created through the challenge, plus, the commitment to performing my own plank a day is a commitment to myself to be stronger.

I am my own worst taskmaster. I would willingly take on the burden of having to accomplish dozens of to-do's, necessary or not, because part of how I value myself is based on my productivity level.

The Busy Trap, an article published in the New York Times last week that Christine from Love Life Surf suggested, reminded me of my own “need” to be busy.    But how many of these “busy” goals are really necessary or worthy of my time?  How many of these “busy” goals are weakening my plot line?

Intellectually I know that when we take care of ourselves and live the life we love, everything else falls into place.  The mind knows this and in time, hopefully the body and spirit will follow.

 What is your story about?  What goals can you create to support it?

Namaste, Divas!

©2012 Ilene Evans 

 

 

Meditate, Run, Sleep: Chasing Goals Week 2

Last week, I began participating in The Weekly Chase, an incentive started by fellow blogger Melissa at Live Love and Run, where we log weekly goals and share them with others for accountability.

Here is a recap of my goals from last week and progress report:

1)   Continue my plank a day:  All good here

2)   Veganize my home:  Done.  I have been vegan as of Tuesday of last week. 

3)   Run my fastest mile ever!  Last week I caught a virus and had to cut back on the intensity of my runs.  This week for sure, I will get a time on my mile!

4)   Stay faithful to my fall half marathon training.  I skipped one scheduled training run due to being sick.

5)   Be mindful of my words:  Ummm…trying! 

6)   Schedule more time with my kids.  I have tweaked this goal so that I actually schedule time for me.  If I can get in a few hours a day to run, blog, practice yoga, and take care of the house, I will happily belong to my kids for the rest of the day.  I have asked them to give me one hour of “office time” in the morning so that I can complete some blogging tasks.  On the days that I have had this hour, I have found myself much more willing to unplug later.

Here’s what’s on tap for the week ahead:

1)   Continue my plank a day: I have organized a plank-a-day challenge among my friends, so for the month of July, I will be motivating others to do a plank a day as well.  If you are looking for a way to build up your core strength, I urge you to hold one plank for as long as you can every day.  And of course, you are welcome to join our challenge!

2)   Continue training for my next 13.1

3)   Time a mile running:  As mentioned last week, this takes a little planning since I am Stone Ages Girl who does not own a GPS watch!

4)   Adjust my sleeping schedule:  I have been sacrificing sleep the past few weeks to cram in more tasks every day, and it is beginning to wear me down.  I am certain that it has contributed to my Mom Fail, since not sleeping makes me cranky, and may have contributed to why I got sick.  When I don’t take care of my body, everything else starts to fall apart.  Sleep is too important to skimp on.

5)   Meditate: I began meditating three years ago, and the effects have been life changing.  Meditation teaches us how to detach from our thoughts and observe our thoughts as an objective witness.  When we learn to detach from our thoughts, they have less power over us.  When this happens, our whole world opens up.  For the most part, I am faithful to my meditation practice, but I need to re-commit to it every day.  Because any “fail” that I have had in the past few weeks, ie, not being mindful with words, yelling at my kids, etc. is more likely to dissipate when I am grounded in my meditation practice.   Sometimes, it feels so difficult to sit still, even for five to ten minutes!  But it is most important five to ten minutes of my day.

Part of understanding ourselves is knowing what goals to set, what goals to stick with, and what goals to let go of. 

I firmly believe that sometimes, letting go of a goal is more of a triumph that sticking with a goal.  Being able to say “no, this really isn’t for me,” is empowering under the right circumstances.  As an athlete, and a huge overachiever, this concept was tough for me to get, and even tougher to live by, but sometimes, saying “no,” instead of pushing through until the bitter end, at all costs, is the right thing to do.

Have you ever set a goal for yourself that seemed urgently important at that moment but over time, you realized wasn’t working? 

Namaste, Divas!

© 2012 Ilene Evans

 

 

When I Grow Up

What do you want to do when you grow up?

It's the question we have been asked since kindergarten, if not sooner. 

In my first grade essay, I said I wanted to be a nurse.

In fifth grade, I said attorney.

The first time I went to college, I decided to become an English teacher.
The second time I went to college, I thought I'd be a writer.

By my third try at college, I was no longer focused on what I wanted to do.  I just wanted to graduate.   

I took my first post-bachelor's degree job out of the need to make money.  It was not a career that necessarily fell in my field, but the problem was, I didn't know what my "field" was.

I knew my skill set.

I had leadership skills

I was a good listener.

I was a good problem solver.

I was a fairly decent writer.

I had extensive knowledge in nutrition. 

I knew what I liked.

I liked helping and motivating people.

I liked to write.

I loved physical activity, in particular, yoga and running.

I was committed to healthy eating.

People encouraged me to explore a variety of fields based on these lists.  Personal trainer,  nutritionist, therapist.  But to all of the prior, I said no.  None of those careers felt "right."

But finally, at the age of 40, it hit me.

I had been asking myself the wrong question.

It's not what we want to do that matters.  What matters is who we want to be. 

Because once we become aware of our life's purpose, everything else falls into place. 

Our purpose is not about what we do to make money.  Our purpose is related to why were are here, now, in this lifetime, on this earth.   Our purpose is more spiritual than occupational.  Our purpose may be related to helping, serving, healing, teaching, guiding, inspiring, loving. 

Some of you may have discovered your purpose at a young age.  For those impossibly late bloomers such as myself, realizing your purpose is about cultivating self awareness.  Listen to yourself.  What inspires you?  When do you feel your best? What was your favorite part of your day and why?  Meditation is a great tool for getting to know yourself.  Your real self, the one that lies underneath  the wants and the fears and the resentments.  You don't have to force your purpose or decide what your purpose is.  Your purpose is there already.  You were born with it.  Now, you just have to remain quiet enough to realize what it is. 

Some of us are lucky enough to have career paths that complement our purpose.  As a yoga instructor, I can bring my purpose, in its purest form, to every class I teach.  As a blogger, I can toss around purpose driven topics in my posts to my heart's content. 

However, we can and should bring our purpose to any job we perform, from parenting, to running a company, to cooking dinner, to being a barista at Starbucks.  When we apply our purpose to whatever is in front of us, we make the world a better place.

I'm also convinced that applying our purpose to our work life will change the way we look at work forever.

In the fall, I will be pursuing more paid work opportunities.  I may find consulting jobs based on my past experience in the corporate world. Perhaps I'll teach more yoga, or I may be that barista behind the counter at Starbucks. 

 It doesn't matter much what I'll  be doing.  It's who I am while doing it that counts.

 Namaste, Divas!

 © 2012 Ilene Evans  

 This post is part of the Mama's Losin' It writing workshop link up.

The prompt I used was this: Share something you learned embarrassingly late in life.

 

Dogs Conquer All

When I told my husband that we needed "dog energy" in our house, he looked at me as if I had three heads.  I'm used to this look. As the poster girl for "Yoga-As-The-Answer," this is the same look I get from my husband when I mention to him that one of my chakras is out of alignment, or that I'm having trouble focusing with my third eye.  "Maybe your third eye needs glasses," my husband will say from across the dinner table, devouring his steak and mashed potatoes, as I sit opposite him with my plate of quinoa and kale.    If opposites attract, we're living proof.

Dog energy is different from human energy.  Dog energy is pure.   There are no filters, no biases, no conditions on how they love or who they love.  So long as you love a dog, that dog will love you back.  There are none of the games that we experience while dating,  none of the disappointments that may set in with a long term partner.  You don't have the complexities that inhibit even the best friendships, or the whining or defiance of children.  Dog love is unconditional.  Dog love rules.

We decided to go the foster dog route.  A friend referred me to Castle of Dreams, a local animal rescue in Central New Jersey.

Six weeks ago, we brought home Brock the Cocker Spaniel.   

Brock is happy.  And that's what I mean by dog energy.  Dogs bring happiness wherever they go.  They radiate their positive little vibrations out to the universe and generously share them with whatever humans inhabit their living space. 

Apparently, there is something to my "dog energy" observation, because according to WebMD.com,  dogs help lower blood pressure and lessen anxiety, which assists with the  maintenance of overall health.  "People in stress mode get into a 'state of dis-ease,' in which harmful chemicals like cortisol and norepinephrine can negatively affect the immune system, " says Blair Justice, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Texas School of Public Health and author of Who Gets Sick: How Beliefs, Moods, and Thoughts Affect Your Health.  WebMD goes on to say, "Like any enjoyable activity, playing with a dog can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine -- nerve transmitters that are known to have pleasurable and calming properties."

I dedicate the first moments of my day to centering myself with meditation. And while I have certainly found my "zen" in this practice, nothing beats the zen of spending time with Brock.  Not only does it give me the calm that I achieve from meditation and yoga, but it gives me that calm mixed with that awesome dog love, that leaves you feeling tranquil yet exhilarated all at the same time.

Even my husband has bought into the dog enthusiasm.  But he won't be buying a bushel of kale any time soon.  Maybe one day...      

Namaste, Divas!

©2012 Ilene Evans 

PS Thanks Denise for doing the link up! 

 

MJ Goes Down

We were surrounded by them, a small army of corporate fembots in Ann Taylor suits and Kate Spade shoes who doubled as informants for the bosses.  MJ had a code name for each of them that she'd use in her emails or texts, when one of them was up to no good.

"Gucci Pants in the vending machine corner on her cell phone.  Whispering.  Someone's busted!" 

"Peep Show  complaining that we take too long on our work.  She really needs to button up her shirt."  

MJ was as tough as steel.  She worked like a machine, she could drop the F bomb up to seven times in a single clause sentence, and refused to give credence to corporate politics. 

The only thing bigger than MJ's truck driver's mouth was her heart.  She believed in family.  She loved her friends. She asked to see pictures of your kids.  She understood what was actually "important," in life amidst a work culture where accidentally swinging an ax through your foot was not a proper excuse to take a sick day. 

She was promoted to management.  She trained new hires, she supervised people, but never once allowed her ego to interfere with her new level of authority.  She was a motivator and a friend.  It's  who she was in life.  At work it would be no different.  Her tolerance for the fembots diminished.

"Botox Face just busted Jetson to the boss for taking more than three bathroom breaks in an eight hour period and forgetting to take his BlackBerry with him.  Are these people morons?"

Work layoff #842.  I am part of the "restructuring team," or whatever polite name they came up with for the group of managers in charge of the executions.  We held secret meetings that spilled over into late night phone calls, until "that ugly morning"  finally arrived.  MJ was on the list this time.  The reasons were arbitrary.  They almost always were.

On that ugly morning, MJ stood in my office doorway, holding her "box of personal belongings."

"I knew I was on the list.  Last night when I passed your office, you couldn't even look at me."

"I can't look at you now," I say.  I start to cry.  I hated my job so much at that moment. I'm not cut out for this work.      

I walk MJ to her car.  When I re-enter the building, I notice Gucci Pants in the vending machine corner, whispering on her cell phone.  This place never changes.

But MJ changed.

She landed a great job a few months later and advanced quickly to a senior position.  I saw her recently.  She couldn't be happier.   

We all know the adage, "When one door closes, another one opens."

Yet how many of us actually trust it when we are the ones waiting in the corridor between doors? 

Especially if we are waiting in the corridor a long, LONG time. 

Sometimes, the wait makes us doubt.  Sometimes, we're forced to give up the things that provide us with a sense of security while we're waiting, and giving up those things makes us feel uncomfortable.

I've had to wait in a few corridors myself this year, and here's what I am trying to work on:

Becoming comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

It's not as crazy as it sounds. Life is full of uncertainty.  If we can learn to adapt to uncertainty, we are much better prepared for change.  And change, as you know, is inevitable.

Sometimes I feel stressed in my corridor, but I try to relax and breathe.  I remind myself of the law of impermanence, and that we all have much less control over things than we think we do.  I remind myself of MJ.  She's much better off behind her new door than her old one.

How many times have you made it through the new door and then realized that you stressed yourself out for nothing? 

Hindsight is golden.

So is faith.

Namaste, Divas!

©2012 Ilene Evans   

 

 

Diva's Wild Night Out

"You're comin'," she growled.  "You're gettin' get your wimpy little Diva ass out to that bar or I'm gonna pop you one, I swear." I knew Trixie meant business, because she was getting all "Brooklyn" on me. 

"You know me, Trixie.  I don't last past 9:30.  Besides, it's a school night. "

Trixie sighed.  It was a loud sigh, the kind they might have heard in Detroit. "For someone who eats as much kale and does as much yoga as you, you should have a little more energy than that. Doncha think?"   

"I'm up at 4:30 in the morning.  I'm not a night person."

"What the hell are you doin' up at 4:30?"

"Uh...meditating," I replied, knowing there would be a harsh repercussion for my truth.

"I can't...I just...can't..." Trixie stammered. I could hear her slapping her own forehead from the other end of the phone.     

"OK. I'll come.  I'll come for an hour." 

Trixie was right.  We could not let Alice sit at that bar by herself.  Alice's husband, a musician, was playing at a local pub, and Alice used the event to stage a Divas night out.  Except no other Divas committed to going.  Divas can't let Divas sit at bars by themselves when it's supposed to be Divas night out.

I pulled into the parking lot at 8:45, which is usually the time I begin to unwind, if I am not already asleep.   I decided I would try to make it until 10pm.  Balthazar would just be getting started at 10, I reminded myself. 

Alice and Trixie already have a table.  Trixie rolls her eyes at me.   She has a baby doll face and dark curly hair.  "I was beginning to think you wimped out on us."

Alice jumps out of her seat.  "I'm so happy you came!"  Alice, with her bright hazel eyes and long auburn hair, grabs my hands and squeezes them.  Her girl next store good looks and bubbly kindness are the legend of Tom Petty song lyrics. 

Alice pulls out her wallet.  "Sangria, guys?" 

"I'll stick with seltzer," I reply. 

"What is wrong with you?"  Trixie snarls.  "It's Sangria! It's fruit!"

"It's sugar,"  I say.  "Sugar's crap."

Trixie leans into me from the other side of the table.

"If you had gone to my high school in my zip code, you would have gotten the shit knocked out of you every day, of your life."

"Back in high school," I say,  "I drank more than both of you put together, smoked a pack a day, and ate Oreos for breakfast." 

A huge smile appears on Alice's face. "The Fierce Diva had a wild side?  Who knew?"

"Read my blog.  It's all there, "  I reply. 

"You'd still be getting the shit beaten out of you," Trixie replies.  "Wimpy ass Diva."

 "No, I wouldn't, " I say, "Because you would have had my back."

Trixie softens.  She smiles and raises her Sangria glass, amongst the drinks that the server has left for us. Alice raises hers, and I raise my cup of seltzer.        

Despite our external differences, these are two of my dearest friends.  These are the Divas I can rely on, when my husband is in the hospital, to be at the bus stop to take my kids.  They listen when I have something I need to get off my chest.  They are the Divas who understand my quirks,  my obsession with Kale, my total inability to stay out past 9:30 at night,  my snobbish aversion to processed foods, and love me anyway. We're not necessarily "like minded" on all fronts,  yet we're open minded to the views of each other, and we show up when it matters.  I love these women, and they have both helped make the town that I moved to 8 years ago my home.

I last more than the hour I committed to.  It's 11:23 when I head to my car.  I would have told you 11:30 to round off the number, but Trixie would have called me on that, for sure. 

Balthazar would be proud.

Namaste, Divas!

© 2012 Ilene Evans 

Thank you Densise for the Link up! 

 

Fierce Fashion

As a Fierce Diva, I have committed myself to a strict social code of conduct, which goes something like this:

• Treat everyone as if they are a good friend, including strangers.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt, even in situations where I feel threatened.
• Have compassion for others, especially those who have hurt me.  
• Never leave the house in sweatpants that have writing across the ass. Ever.

If you are a post collegiate hanging out at the beach house for the weekend, go ahead and wear your writing-across-the-ass sweatpants.  That's what they're for.  Knock yourself out, and wear the ones with the writing emblazoned in rhinestone or sequins. But as a Diva of a certain age, the look falls flat.  I appear as if I'm trying to reincarnate my twenty-five year old self.  And twenty-five was a LONG time ago. 

Believe, me, Divas.  I'm no fashionista.   As a coed, my flamboyance factor was off the charts, as I showed up for anything from a rock concert to a science test  in a bustier, crinoline skirt, and spike heeled boots.  Then, there was my dalliance with goth, followed by a decade long attachment to grunge, complete with ripped Levi's and my beloved Doc Martens.  In the postpartum years, of feeling fat and tired, my wardrobe consisted of five pairs of baggy black yoga pants, worn everywhere, including holiday dinners.   

I have grown to appreciate the importance of dressing in a way that matches my personality and supports my lifestyle, but that allows me to dress with dignity.  When it comes to Fierce Diva fashion, I am not suggesting you follow specific rules or trends.  It's about dressing with self respect, and in a way that allows you to live the life you love.  

Dress your Age

• Only a sixteen year old can get away with a half shirt.  No exceptions.
• No matter how fierce your body is, it's time to stop shopping in the junior department.
• You already know how I feel about the writing-across-the-ass sweatpants.

Dress with dignity

• Your pajamas don't belong at the mall or the grocery store or anywhere else outside the house.  I'm just saying.
• An outfit with material cut out of the torso, hips, or sides of the thighs, is lacking in dignity.  Although you might be able to get away with this on the red carpet or at a club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, where everyone else dresses that way.
• If your outfit resembles something worn by Snooki, pregnant or not, you have absolutely no chance at dignity.

Dress to live the life you love

• Do wearing pants that are so tight,  you have to zip them while lying down across your bed, help you live the life you love?
•  Ice skate heels:  how can you live the life you love when it hurts to walk?
• Only buy clothing you can afford! Going into debt for a new wardrobe will not help you live the life you love! Remember, Fierce Divas never spend beyond their means.

What does Fierce Fashion boil down to?  It begins in your head, Divas, like everything else.  It starts with balancing the fluctuations of the mind, which you can do through meditation.  Once you work on controlling your thoughts, you will be much better equipped for that moment in every Diva's life when she needs to ask herself that one important question: Can I still pull off wearing the writing-across-the-ass sweatpants in public?

When you can answer the question without effort, and with 100% certainty, you know you have truly become a Fierce Diva.

Namaste, Divas!   

©2012 Ilene Evans